Get the best from brotherly love

If your childhood battles with a brother or sister are still raging and you want to end the conflict, here are some ways to become friends

Miriam Stoppard

Posted On Wednesday, June 09, 2010   

When I heard that David and Ed Miliband were both running for the Labour leadership, I first thought how proud their mum must be. Then I wondered if their relationship will survive - oh, to be a fly on the wall at family gatherings. The brothers currently claim to be good friends. Ed has promised it will be a civilised contest: "David is my best friend in the world. I love him dearly. There's no way I'm going to take lumps out of him either on the record, off-the-record or behind the scenes," he said.

David describes his brother as "extremely talented" and a "great person". This is a perfect example of how to handle it, in public at least. After all, backstabbing belies jealousy, which is always based on insecurity - never a desirable quality in a leader. Yet I suspect the sentiments are genuine in this case...

Where it comes from

Sibling rivalry has existed forever, because it's natural to compete for the attention of providers - in this case, parents. When kids first experience it - usually when a new baby starts grabbing all the attention - they don't have the emotional equipment to cope with their feelings, nor do they have the skills to hide them.

I remember happily tricking my younger sister into breaking her lavender tea set because it was in the colour I wanted. This natural jealousy can get worse if it's encouraged unwittingly - for instance by giving one child more attention or a label like "the pretty one" or "the clever one". My sister was determined never to do anything I did because teachers would always compare us - just as well, as she's cleverer than me. 

In its most constructive form, sibling rivalry encourages healthy competition. At its worst, it's horribly destructive - I get heartbreaking letters from people who feel their parents love their siblings more than them. Yet siblings with good relationships can support each other throughout life's crises - as my sister says, you know your siblings for longer than you know anyone else in your whole life.

If your childhood battles with a brother or sister are still raging and you want to end the conflict, here are some ways to become friends.

Cut competition

Sibling rivalry can turn into a divisive habit. View your relationship with your parents on its own merits rather than comparing it with your sibling's relationship with them and you'll feel a weight lift. If your brother or sister stills wants to compete, that's their choice but it won't be half as much fun if you don't play.

Be constructive

If things seem to work out better for your sibling, look at why this may be. Is it true? If so, is it down to luck or do they persevere until they succeed? Use their success to motivate you.

I have a friend who worked twice as hard to beat his elder brother and ended up excelling at both sport and his career. Now, years later, they still compete with hobbies.

Cut them some slack

Conflict can become a habit - you expect it so you're quick to be defensive. Instead, spend a little time focusing on good points, which will affect how you act with them. Hopefully they'll pick up the good vibes and will be less antagonistic.

Develop your own talents

Value your own interests and things you do well rather than wasting energy focusing on them.

Don't rise to the bait

If you think he or she is purposely trying to draw you into an argument, stay calm, change the subject or leave the room. If you don't react, they'll get no satisfaction.

See their viewpoint

Try to see things from their perspective. If their behaviour is unjustly hostile towards you, its root is based in insecurity. Understanding it can help you feel less victimised.

Don't be bullied - or bully

Don't accept hurtful comments from a sibling that you wouldn't accept from anyone else. Criticising someone's behaviour is one thing but criticising their whole personality can seriously damage relationships.

Foster friendships

Just because you're related to someone, it doesn't mean you have a lot in common. Meet emotional needs through friends. Just keep family gatherings civil.

Keep control

You can't control how your sibling acts but you have total control over how you react. Just knowing this gives you lots of power.

Source: Daily Mirror



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