The new Finnish study found that mums and dads with problems at work pass on their feelings of disillusionment at home and, as a result, their kids are more likely to struggle at school.

The dangers of secret strife

In Britain, we tend to try to soldier on as if nothing is happening when we're under stress. Unfortunately, keeping worries hidden is the worst thing a parent can do. Even when parents think they're doing a fantastic job of covering up what's going on, children pick up on it.

Kids have super-sensitive antennae for emotional strain and will suss out from the smallest signals what's really happening. This could be as small as you dropping your gaze, frowning or turning away - without even realising you're doing it. To make things worse, when kids pick up on unexplained stress they immediately think they're responsible: They tell themselves: "If only I'd behaved better this wouldn't have happened."

The golden rules

The bottom line is that stress only really damages kids if it's kept secret. These are my damage limitation rules

(1) Be honest
Kids can cope with anything except lies. Explain that you're stressed and why. Describe the problem in a way that they can understand, depending on their age. For example, "We're a bit worried that daddy might lose his job but don't worry, if it does happen we will be able to get through it together."

(2) Make it clear - They did nothing wrong
Emphasise that the way mum and dad are feeling is not their fault and nothing to do with their behaviour at home or at school.

(3) Ask them to help
Children like to feel involved so ask them if they will agree to help out. For example: "Will you be able to tidy your toys away before daddy gets home from work so he can relax when he comes in?" It also helps to ask their opinion on other things they might do. They might say "Daddy can have my pocket money" which, of course, you won't accept but just being part of the solution process makes them feel better about what's happening.

(4) Reward them
Be sure to thank them for their help and support during this difficult time and let pick their own reward, within reason. A picnic or day at the zoo gives them something to look forward to and can ease the whole family's stress levels.

Under pressure?

Kids won't always tell you they're feeling your stress so look out for the following warning signs

• Becoming withdrawn
• Struggling at school
• Spending more time alone
• Avoiding your gaze
• Not seeing friends
• Not eating properly
• Becoming disruptive
• Telling lies

Smart ways to stop your anxiety spreading..

Many different types of stress can affect family life. Check out whether these problems apply to you, which may cause you to load anxiety onto your children, and see what you can do to lessen the pressure...

1) Work problems Are you...
Working longer hours then normal? Bringing your work home in the evenings? Allowing work phone calls to interrupt family time?

Your stress solution: You need to find a way to manage your job better. Talk to your human resources department and see if there's a better way of working. Perhaps you could do a couple of days at home, try a job share or even change jobs. At the same time be honest with your kids. For example, explain that your job means you do some work at night but you'll always be ready to help them with their homework provided you get your quiet time afterwards.

2) Financial worries Are you...
Frantically worrying about how to pay the bills? Feeling depressed about the family finances? Becoming snappy at home because of these worries?

Your stress solution: Have a family sit down and tell them why everyone will have to be careful with money for a while. Do it in a reassuring way: "We can't go to Spain this year, but we're going camping in Cornwall which will be just as fun." Make it clear you'll get through this together and there will still be treats such as museums and country walks.

3) 'Too busy' syndrome Are you...
Spending your life ferrying the kids around and you're always late? Struggling to cope with juggling everything? Screaming out for some "me" time?

Your stress solution: Stop trying to do it all yourself. Talk to other parents about sharing school-run trips and get the kids to help with chores. I used to take my kids to the supermarket after I picked them up from school and would get them to help load and unload the car. Make kids part of the solution and everyone's stress is lessened.

4) Grumpy grandparents Are you...
Having to deal with demanding or difficult in-laws? Finding your kids get stuck in the middle of all the tension?

Your stress solution: Get your husband on board with a timely chat so that you can present a united front to the kids. Then set down rules about when and how to see grandparents and other family members, and when to say no to invites and just spend time together as a family. Ask the kids what they want to do, so they feel involved.

5) Marital woes Are you...
Rowing with your partner more than usual? Finding it hard to keep things civil in front of the kids? Thinking about divorce?

Your stress solution: Trust me, your kids know almost before you do when there's something wrong between mum and dad - so the sooner you talk about it the better. Talk to your partner first and agree on what you're going to say. Then sit the kids down and talk them through the situation. Explain you're having some problems but you both still love them just as much. Make it clear they're not to blame. Explain stepby-step what's happening and try to answer their questions honestly.

Source: Daily Mirror

Pic: Benjamin Earwicker