One of Britain's most senior family lawyers, Baroness Deech, says we should be duty-bound to look after our parents in old age. She said: "In return for all that grandparents do, should there not be an obligation to keep them, and to keep parents, and reciprocate the care that was given by them to children and grandchildren in their youth?" In a lecture, she cited the Elizabethan Poor Law which stated that the infirm and poverty-stricken must be supported by their children and grandchildren.

But she also acknowledged that switching support for grandparents away from the state was not now possible. Much as I empathise with the motivation behind these comments, they reveal a mindset and experience out of touch with most people's lives.

I'm not saying it's OK to ditch the elderly once they've served their use. I'm a granny myself and a great advocate of the invaluable role grandparents play in modern life. Of course the effort and sacrifices they made raising their families should be repaid with love and care and respect in later life by children and grandchildren who benefited. But we must also be realistic about what that care entails practically and emotionally, how much we're able to give and the implications for the rest of the family.

Ideal world
In an ideal world, it's easy to be the dutiful daughter or son. If you live in a large house, you can section off an area as a granny flat so you and your relative can both enjoy your own personal space - keeping the inevitable tensions of three generations living together at bay.

What's more, you could pay to adapt that part of your home so it's suitable for someone with a disability. You could also fork out for private nursing care so you can continue to earn enough money to keep paying for it all, maintaining your quality of life (and sanity) into the bargain.

Real world
Sadly most families aren't this fortunate. Many don't have the space or finances to adapt their home or pay for private nursing care.

While grants and some help may be available from the state, it won't cover everything. It's more likely that someone would have to give up work to do most of the caring, while also trying to run a house and be a good parent. Then there's lack of space, which may cause clashes between lively kids and older people who want peace and quiet.

You may get on fine with your parents for visits but living with them as an adult is a different matter.

I loved my mother but living together under one roof would have driven us both crazy. And is it really fair to expect your partner to share a home with an in-law? Torn loyalties can go a good way towards breaking up a relationship.

Grappling with guilt
To cite a Poor Law passed in 1601 as relevant to today is ludicrous. In Elizabethan times, few people made it much past 60. Now average life expectancy in the UK is 80 with many living to 90 and beyond, needing constant nursing and medical care and maybe suffering from dementia too.

Also, families aren't as big. What happens if you and your partner are both only children - are you supposed to take in two sets of parents? The fact is, few people want their parents to go into a care home. It's often a decision that's made after a lot of anguish once all other options have been ruled out.

It's normally accompanied by a huge amount of guilt - guilt that was no doubt made worse for many people yesterday reading Baroness Deech's comments.

Shoud you share your home with elderly parents?

First consider: Is there enough space or will it be a bit of a squash?Would you have to adapt your home to suit their needs - for example, a walk-in shower, a stairlift or ramps for a wheelchair? How much care will they need? Can you meet that alone or will you need help? itself, What sacrifices will you and the rest of the family have to make? Do they understand what it will mean and are they all equally willing? respite a How much time do you and your immediate family already spend with your relative? How well would you get on living together? www.

If you're a carer, you're entitled to an assessment of your needs by your local council. This could include help with the care itself, home adaptations, specialist equipment and respite care. Your relative is also entitled to a separate assessment of their needs. For more information, visit Carers' UK at www.carersuk.org or call 0808 808 7777.

What are the alternatives?:

Own home care
Sometimes it's possible for someone to stay in their own home with assistance, and the Government wants to make this possible for more people. I know someone who is virtually immobile but lives alone with a combination of daily carers and a home help from the local council, plus meals on wheels and family visits.

Sheltered accommodation
This is specially designed for older people who want to maintain their independence but live in a social community with some support. A warden makes checks and each property has an alarm for emergencies.

Retirement villages
A little like sheltered accommodation but on a bigger scale with more facilities.

Care homes
Visit a few with your relative. Besides looking at whether it suits their health needs, check out the leisure and recreation facilities and how flexible they are on individual lifestyles.

Source: Daily Mirror

Pic: Horton Group