It is only now I am getting better, that I can see it didnt matter how thin I was. At my lightest, I weighed 5st 5lbs. I would never have felt happy with how I looked. Six years on and I am well into my recovery from anorexia. I feel ashamed and guilty that I was part of that destructive community. I cant bear to think what has happened to the other girls that I left behind when I started to recover.

My anorexia started at the age of 12. At first, it had nothing to do with wanting to look thin. I suffered from low self-esteem and had an inexplicable feeling of emptiness inside me. I worried my parents didnt love me and I thought if I could change then everything would be OK.

Food became my fixation and controlling what I ate made me feel I was achieving something. Before I knew it, I couldnt bear the idea of putting on weight and I started exercising in my bedroom. I became secretive and hid uneaten food in my school bag or lied about it. I even started to make myself sick after meals. My parents and two younger sisters didnt suspect a thing.

Despite my behaviour, I didnt know what anorexia was. When I was 13, I saw a news report about pro-anorexia websites on TV. The only computer in the house was in my room and I went upstairs and searched for them. As I clicked on to one website, I remember feeling relieved finally I wasnt alone. It didnt take long to get drawn into that world, setting up a Bebo account and even becoming a role model to other girls for losing so much weight.

If mum asked about food, some days I said Id eaten on the way home from school, on others Id insist on eating in my room and threw the food out of the window or flush it down the toilet. The hunger pangs didnt bother me, in fact I enjoyed them because they reassured me that I was losing weight.

By the time I was 14, I was existing on just water, chewing gum and crisps, which I could only eat if they were mashed up. Once I made a packet of crisps last two weeks and I felt proud of myself. I started to look pale and incredibly skinny, my hair was thinning and in the shower it would come out in clumps. Mum become suspicious and started to watch me like a hawk.

Usually I tried to leave for school before anyone else, but one morning Mum was waiting for me. Do you want a banana? she asked, holding it out to me. No, I said as I raced out of the house. In frustration she threw it after me. While at first it had been easy to lie and hide food, by then my mum, friends and teachers were all deeply suspicious. Malnourished, I had no energy and I felt constantly dizzy and faint.

I tried to carry on as normal, but when a friend heard me being sick in the toilets, she told my teachers. Mum confronted me about my anorexia and I agreed to go to a specialist eating disorders unit near my home in Newcastle.

At home I refused to eat and Mum would cry and plead with me. Even a bite of a sandwich took me half an hour to chew. The thought of food inside me was agony and I had nightmares that I'd put on weight. While I was allowed back to school, I was kept in isolation. I felt everyone was watching me all the time and I didnt trust anyone. The voice in my head kept saying: They are trying to make you fat.

Three months later, my friends discovered I had used pro-anorexic websites. They had been round at my house one weekend and looked at my internet history. They told my teachers who alerted my mum and I was banned from the internet at home. I was furious and felt betrayed. After that I even went to museums and libraries to use computers.

I hated everyone for trying to help me. You are going to die, my teachers kept saying. I dont care, I replied. I wanted to die. I felt fat and disgusting. Over the next two years, I continued to relapse and every six months I ended up back in hospital. I wasnt able to take my GCSEs with my friends I was too ill. By the time I was 16, I finally began to acknowledge I had a problem. I weighed just 5st 5lbs and had a BMI of 13 healthy is between 19 and 25. I had constant chest pains and my joints felt stiff and weak.

When I posted my photo on Bebo and the other girls responded by saying how envious they were, I suddenly felt sick. Without another thought I deleted my profile and resolved to turn my back on the pro-anorexic world. It was a vital step towards beating anorexia. I was tired of it ruling my life and stopping me achieving my dreams. Id wanted to be a doctor, but anorexia made it seem impossible.

In September 2009, I was hospitalised for the fifth and last time. I spent four months in recovery and this time I felt everything was different. Since then I have focused on getting better. I eat three healthy nutritious meals a day plus a weight gain shake. I didnt want to go back to hospital. I wanted to live my life.

Now I'm 18, at college studying IT and Im the happiest Ive been in years. I weigh 8st 7lbs, which has been hard getting used to. With three friends, I'm doing a sponsored parachute jump in May to raise money for B-EAT, an eating disorder charity that really helped me.

Occasionally, I go online and look at the profiles of pro-anorexic girls. Seeing them upsets me and I desperately want to help them. I also feel relieved that I'm not like that anymore. At the time I thought they were my friends. Now I can see that it was my friends, family and teachers who really cared about me and I am grateful to them for sticking by me and for helping me beat anorexia for good. When I look in the mirror now, I feel happy.

Source: Daily Mirror