Yes, losing one’s individuality, and consequently one’s identity, is one of the most common post-marital issue among many couples. Unfortunately in many cases, the side effects of this problem is the feeling of becoming like a doormat for their spouse, of feeling less loved and of not being given equal importance. What exactly does losing one’s individuality mean?

Dr Kanan Khatau Chikhal, clinical psychologist and counsellor explains, “The problem begins in the honeymoon phase of the relationship when one partner has a strong desire to please the other. Hence, s/he ends up displaying all the qualities that the other wants in them, even though it may not be themselves at all. And though over time the individual’s own desires will definitely come alive, by then the spouse is already used to the other listening to him/her. In time, one may find that their opinion on a lot of seemingly mundane choices like which restaurant to eat at, the annual holiday destination, the kind of furniture in the house or the colour on the walls, etc and then bigger and more serious ones are also being compromised,” she explains.

And it’s not just restricted to decision-making, compromising on one’s individuality also has a lot to do with not being able to spend time on your own, have your own friends circle and doing the things or activities you like. Remember, finding the ‘me’ in the ‘we’ is actually not such a tough task.

Here are some of the things you can do:

• It’s most important to remember that just because you are a couple, doesn’t make it necessary for both of you to like the exact same things. Each individual has their own tastes and preferences and indulging in them from time to time will actually do more good than harm. So if your hubby is a die-hard sports fan whose mission in life is to watch every single match of his favourite sport while you dig rom-coms, work out an arrangement where you both get to watch what you like without the other vying for the remote.
  
• Hobbies are an excellent way of re-connecting with yourself. How? It’s highly impossible that both, you and your partner will share the exact same hobbies. Hence, take time out from you routine schedule and spend quality time with yourself doing that one thing you absolutely love. Also, make sure your partner is kept in the loop about your hobby time so that s/he avoids disturbing you.
  
• Friends are a brilliant stress-buster and one of the best ways to connect to your individuality. Make time for your girl or guy friends, meet up with them, head out for a meal or a shopping spree or even just a phone conversation. You will invariably end up chatting about things that are dear to you... old memories, some childhood or college day prank, etc.
  
• Do not neglect your family members. A chat with your parents or siblings or extended family members is another good way to re-connect and spend quality time with yourself.
  
• For those who are working, there’s always the office where one invariable ends up spending at least eight hours of the day. That apart, here your colleagues know you as an individual first and then as a husband or wife.
  
• Take up a class with friends or join an activity like your favourite sport, a dance class, a drawing class, etc. It will give you ample time to be alone and re-connect with yourself. However, be careful about choosing your friends or the activity over your partner. S/he could end up feeling left out and this could be the cause of problems and fights between you.

Pic: Mokra

Source: Bombay Times